she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
