Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
