My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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