Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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