Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
