Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My breasts were aching with rage.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
