now i know why i became what i already was.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
