Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
