i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
