shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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