4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
