im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
