just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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