I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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