So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
