I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
