I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
The best revenge is premature balding
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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