Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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