why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
