God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The air taste purple.
Randomize
