Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
