i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
