Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
