she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
