first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
