So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
bring money and cleavage
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
