I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
