I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
