forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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