My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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