so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He felt like a one man threesome
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
