He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
