you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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