dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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