On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
