there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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