The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
