all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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