woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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