Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
