I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I am one with the molecules
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
