3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
