Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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