Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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