This dress was meant to end up on your floor
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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