My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
