I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I believe in your delicious
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
