took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
