How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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