it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
