What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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