i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just found a bag of teeth...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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