Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
