Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I am puke
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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